god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
