Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
