Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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