who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
