Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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