So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
