those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
