I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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