I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
