Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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