a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
