I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
