Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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