i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
