Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
