I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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