I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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