Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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