i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
