My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
