Pants 0. Shit 1.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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