Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
