Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize