so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
