I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
