you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
