We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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