God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
