Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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