Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize