my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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