The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
