So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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