is your mom at the bar?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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