after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
