Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
