My liver just broke up with me...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
