Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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