they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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