I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
