u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
