My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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