If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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