he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
