There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
