Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
