My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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