he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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