no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
