I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize