Your mouth is God's brothel.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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