His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
