She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
