Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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