so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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